I wanted to start off saying that because in my last post, I was NOT okay. I’m okay now, and I appreciated the positivity in the comments you posted, and even in those that didn’t post comments because like Bruce said, sometimes the right words are hard to find.

So right. I feel better.

They say there’s reasons for things happening the way they do. Maybe this was the experience I needed to know what I want to do. I want to get my counseling license. It’s going to take almost three years to do it realistically. No less than two, no more than six according to the state guidelines. I am specifically looking for wellness centers and shared practices. I’m going to set up a couple meetings with some licensed counselors here on campus to get more information about the process, then start contacting potential supervisors! The only thing is that I may move in with my parents for a while until I know the new place will work out and I can find a short term lease apartment.

So I’m hoping to have a new job by summer. By August at the latest. I won’t be here longer than that. No way Jose!

So I feel better. Knowing more about what I want to do, and having an action plan with a timeline really, really helps.  Having my mom be so supportive (my dad is supportive too, but he’s worried I’m going to end up wanting to live with them forever, puh-lease!) and knowing this is not a good work environment helps too. I read this book called “Working with you is Killing Me.” Which is an amazing book by the way. But it talks about difficult to extreme bosses, and guess what? My bosses totally fell into the extreme categories! So I read the advice on how to handle them, and for each of them the solution was “Indulge them while you update your resume and find a new job” AND it described how a person may feel working with these people (mine are controlling egomaniacs, the unpleasable and the avoider): stomachaches, headaches, sleeplessness, dread and difficulty not thinking about interacting with these people, weight gain, increased drinking. I have all those things, and I’m also losing my hair.  I mean. I’m frikkin losing my HAIR!!

So, there it is. An escape plan. and a damn fine one at that. I’m sad to leave the little city, which I think is what’s going to happen. But I’m extra excited to know that I’m not stuck here forever!

Yessss…..

The last two weeks were….

um…well…

Okay, I’m pretty awesome. But I’m not a goddamned mindreader. So how is it reasonable to demand why I, the NEW person, can’t read a person’s mind and glean the information I need and HAVE REQUESTED but have been met with blank stares and “i’m not listening!” faces. When asked why I haven’t done any of the major tasks for an assignment when nothing was ever communicated. Especially with “This is how we’ve done it” HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS? I haven’t been here in the past!!!

I’ve decided my supervisor is emotionally unbalanced. Staring off in nothing, imagining conversations that never happened, and forgetting things that were said 5 minutes ago…grrrrr… then his boss (also my boss, grrr) finds me later, pinches my cheeks and says something smart about it. WTF?!

so I’m not in trouble. In fact, I’m in a really good position of NOT in trouble after this situation. I may even be able to get another position that’s live off at this university which would be good for money reasons. I make good money that will eventually pay for my stay at the mental institution.

Sigh. So I’m job hunting. Again. Third time’s a charm right? I am so screwed. How do I find a job with an institution that 1. matches my core values 2. pays enough? Not to mention that the entire realm of Higher Education is quickly going down the toilet as we focus more on getting students in for tuition and less on standards, learning and socialization? I’m not talking socialization like drinking and puking in the potted plants in the lobby. I’m talking events, programs, study groups that teach people how to actually live as a contributing member of society.

No- we basically dump them here, take the money and complain when they don’t succeed. “What’s wrong with students today?” A coworker asked me almost 4 years ago. I really looked into it and found a lot of risk factors and societal contributions to the collective failings of today’s youth. But ultimately,  I think  we give them a task with no clear directive or feedback and when they are missing the key components, say “Why couldn’t you read our minds?” except they’re paying US, not like how I’m getting paid to be completely screwed over.  So they’re twice screwed. Plus you have professors who need to get published and research to bring prestige to the school and less time on their overcrowded classrooms. Oh there are some exceptions but higher education has set the standard to suck just a little more each year.

I want to make a difference. I want to sell a different ideal for higher education. But I also want to just take the time to take care of myself, and maybe have a different life. One where I illustrate and have a family, and don’t have a little bald spot from where I rub my fingers in frustration every day.

Bigger picture: I can’t do ANYTHING, whether it be illustration, writing a book or being the best in my current job being the overweight, slightly buzzed, and slowly drowning in the toxic fat dump that is my body.  How many years? How many fresh starts? this is ridiculous.

By the way, 170 days left.  What is that? 24 weeks?

So, I’ll need to make that priority one. Then the illustration and job searching are a pretty even tie. I won’t give up. I want to give up. I really just want to quit my job, move into my parents basement and just cry for a month. I’m so tired of being angry, frustrated and afraid of everything in the outside world. And there’s a LOT to be afraid of out there. I really dont’ know how the rest of the world manages it, but I know I’m ready to join them and face the risks than stay in here and wish I was braver.

Maybe I should have been an accountant?

I’ve been very busy since the last post.

Taking this new job was a mistake. I’m realizing now that they hired me to be a scapegoat. I’m in the union, so they can’t just get rid of me easily, but that suits their timeline.I’ve seen friends and family in these situations before, and at the end they’re unemployed. The same will happen to me, but not before I have a nervous breakdown. Apparently a few people have had those too in the past.

I’m looking for a new job. There’s one in particular that I would like,  but  I need to address the mad scientist look going on with me right now. the next few weeks are going to be a rom-com makeover montage as I start focusing more on how I present myself and brush up on my theory and law. I’m hoping by the end of it to look a little more like Drop Dead Diva and less like Bowser

The illustration and everything else is on hold for a while. I just need to get out. So maybe no new car or vacation-I may be looking at finding a place to live instead. I even considered applying for my old job, but my parents quickly pointed out why that was a terrible, terrible idea. Anyway, I must keep focused.

I don’t know where blogging fits into this. I like blogging, and have often sat down to write about what was happening, but I couldn’t find the right words. Even now, it feels strange to be writing. I’ve locked a part of myself away to protect myself and keep focused on the goal and I think somewhere my bloggy voice got stuck there. But I am reading your blogs, even Bruce’s when I can get off the campus network.  Let’s look at the bright side of all this. I’ll get out, and finally get an internet service that doesn’t block Bruce’s Blog!

Deep, cleansing breaths.  Today I’m going to Home Depot to get some boxes and organizational tools. Then I’m going to cook a big lump of pork that I bought. I don’t really know how to cook pork. But there’s a first time for everything. I cooked an entire chicken last week, and it turned out really well!  I probably won’t need to buy meat again for the rest of my stay here.

I’ve already started laying the groundwork for my New Year’s Resolution and it’s one that you have heard many, many times already this year, but that I think will be exciting to pursue whole-heartedly in 2012:

I’m going to gets my stuff together.

ME ME ME ME ME!!!!  Because it’s high time I gots my stuff together and that’s what I really want. Because I realized that I’m a mess. A big mess. An awesome mess.  And that by constantly putting everyone else’s needs or what I perceive to need, I am miserable. And when I’m miserable, I make other people, people I care about worry and sad and irritated. I don’t want to do that to the people I care about. And I don’t want to be a hot mess anymore. So this year, I am going to take care of myself-Really take care of myself and let the awesome person that am I and share with you, O’Bloggy Friends of Awesomeness, come out and be a part of my everyday life.

I’ve been extra-inspired by the way each of you have done something major in each of your own lives this year and come out better for it. Whether it be coordinating Pirate festivities and kicking ass, pursuing dreams of other careers, taking long and sometimes perilous to your poor feet journeys, taking that long dreamed of road trip, or simply keeping an awesome sense of humor when it seems like everything is just well… poop… Y’all have inspired me to go beyond what I’m “Supposed to” do to accomplish some of my own dreams. and I think THIS is the year I make some major achievements.

Some of the things I hope to carry out

1. Lose weight- Do you know I still have some 140 odd days left in my challenge? Totally do. How far will I go? I now have a buddy (my brother) to lose weight with so it’s going to be PRETTY AWESOME since he and I are so damned alike at times.

2. Audition for a musical at the local theatre. Because I can sing and dance and make you CRY… and maybe laugh a little too.

3. Draw an ABC book and get it published.

4. Transfer to Career Services at the school so that I can help kids plan for their future and be totally awesome without all the nasty stressy parts of my current job.

5. Buy a new car. I’m still driving my dad’s car. I’ve never owned my own car. Time to get a NEW car! or a slightly used but still totally new to me and more affordable care

6. Go on vacation. Like AWAY. Somewhere I’ve never been. Just for kicks.Like Canada!

What about you? Are you cooking up some awesome resolutions or are you saying “Screw THAT! I’m awesome just the way I am! Are you trying to say I’m less than awesome, because I’m perfect just the way I am, sister!”

Either way, I’d love to hear what you’re thinking.

Remember that blog I was talking about a long, long time ago?

Well, I’ve started working on it. And I’m ready to share it with you

singingrhinoceros.com

Here, I will still be to share things that I don’t feel comfortable sharing with the entire universe as myself. Here at Bloggart, I will be the same old pain in the ass I am now. But at singingrhinoceros, I’m going to use that site to start promoting myself as an artist with little stories to make it fun. I plan on getting promotional items and really investing in a future that doesn’t involve me saying “Okay, where did she throw up again?”

“Why aren’t you speaking to your roommate? He used the last of the toilet paper?”

“Wait, you want me to work WHAT hours?”

What the hell does that mean? Where the hell is “THERE” asshat?! And you left me sitting alone at a BAR with my stupid boss and his stupid creepy friends and I’m SO MAD and SAD and hurt and rejected . And I hate  feeling rejected!!! You know the only person who has asked me out on a date is a morbidly obese man who has several sex fetishes, smokes and drinks a lot and lives in his mom’s basement. Yeah, let me hop on THAT train.

It’s SO UNFAIR!!! All I want to do is eat cookies and drink lots of beer.

(gasping for air)

Oh I so needed to get that off my chest. I had no idea how much it really bothered me. I mean, I’m glad I’m trying to be mature and not let people bother me so much, but sometimes I just need to say an asshat is an asshat before  moving on, y’know?

Cookie, anyone?

I had a co-worker who was really bitchy the beginning of the week. Why was she so non-communicative? So I thought “Everyone goes through a bad time, it probably has nothing to do with me.”  She said she didn’t want to talk about it, and I told her I’d just give her space to work it out.

Two days later, she greeted me with a big smile and asked me to go to happy hour. Once we were there, she thanked me for being understanding and told me briefly what was going on with her.  It was the first time I didn’t feel responsible for fixing someone else’s problems. It had nothing to do with me, and I think if I tried to help, it would have ended up worse.

Since I was going out for Happy Hour and later to a fancy university event, I realized that I only have work clothes and casual preppy work clothes. Nothing that was just fun and fancy. I bought two outfits just for going out. I broke so many “rules” that day by buying cute clothes, not on sale, knowing full well they might be too big in a month or two. I decided the world wouldn’t end if I spent some of my paycheck on what I had planned to put into savings. I celebrated my shopping with my best friend, who told me all about her boyfriend. I’m pretty sure they’re going to get married one day. Because I was so happy with my shopping and in general, she opened up more about her feelings in the relationship. I learned that when I’m tense and worried about other people are thinking about me, they sense the tension and become more tense themselves.

Finally, fancy dress event day! I styled my hair, put on my fancy duds and heels and went out looking glamorous. So much so that when I walked into the bar and found my work friends, they just looked at me and said “Wow! You look GREAT!”    As I walked around the event later, people came up to me and said “Wow!” and I thought, “I’m worth the effort to look this awesome everyday.”

Finally, I realized that I don’t like the cute guy from work. He was  to come out with us before the event and he wouldn’t tell us if he was coming or not. I waited for a half hour then left, only to find him already at the event.  I said to him “Seems we had a miscommunication. I waited for you.” and he acted like he was never going out! I didn’t make a big deal about it, since we were in a crowd of work-folk but I said to my co-worker. “His actions show he doesn’t respect our time. I won’t exclude him from other outings, but I won’t ever wait on him again.”

I think what I really learned this week is that when I really put myself first and think about my own needs, things work out better, and my relationships with others improve and focus better. When I gave my co-worker space and didn’t take her burden on, she handled it and came to me when she was ready to have fun. I wasn’t associated with her problems. When I took the time to take care of myself and my appearance, people were more open and friendly to me.  They also listened to what I had to say instead of spacing out. And when I became more genuine in expressing my own needs and requirements from others, I learned who is a friend, and who is a person I’ll be friendly to at work.

Pretty great, right?

I also took a lot of my free time in the mornings to organize a lot of the apartment. The unpacked boxes  are finally consolidated and now nicely fit in my closet, so I have more space in my bathroom and bedroom. Looking around, I would say I’m halfway done. Now that I found solutions for the big stuff, I can work on putting away the clutter. I don’t like my apartment. I feel like I’m fighting with it all the time.Grrr! Argh!!

But the teeny space did end my thoughtless shopping. This Christmas, I’ve been buying presents for my loved ones and find myself thinking” How did I manage to do all that shopping before?”  I’m looking forward to going back to saving again after the holiday. Although now and then, I find myself looking through the online weekly ads and thinking “I NEED that!” before realizing that I already have something like that, or that I will never use it, or that it just looks nice on the display but won’t work in my teeny apartment.

I fantasize about the day when I will live in a house, and take care of it all by myself.  I’d even mow the lawn. I relish the idea of true privacy and space.  Will it solve all my problems though? No. I realize I keep fixating on something that will make my life better. My life will be better:

• When I get a new job
• When I lose weight
• When I get a house
• When I find a nice man
• When I save so much money

But that’s not true. The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with my life. I have a job, I have a nice albeit teeny apartment. I’m losing weight, and one day I’ll figure out how to make it to Date Two.  The  opportunity to move my life to any direction and have nothing keeping me back. Yet old feelings of resentment, frustration and fear still follow me, and I still blame them on my job, my apartment and my physical appearance. Things that I choose suddenly become things that happened to me, and I am stuck. Discouraged, I make little to no progress or even backtrack because I believe that it will never make a difference. Deep down, I think I will always be unhappy.

UNTIL I realized what I was doing. Until I realized WHY I did things that way (and that is a long list of things we don’t ever need to talk about) Until I realized life is not perfect, but that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. This move was probably the best thing that ever happened to me because I have learned that I don’t know shit about myself and what I have to offer.  My only goal now for 2012 is to figure that out. It may get messy. It may get weird. It may be less than perfect.  But it will definitely involve lists.

So Day 2 of taking off sick from work, I am feeling g-r-o-s-s, but I’ve been catching up on playing handheld video games, eating chicken noodle soup and thinking “What am I going to do when I feel better?”

So you know what that means….it’s LIST TIME!!!!

McCracken’s “Things I’m gonna do when I feel better List”

1. Decorate the apartment for christmas. -Sure it’s teeny, and I’ll probably only need a strand of tinsel garland to fest it up, but it needs a lil’ somethin’ to brighten it up. If I really love it, I may just leave it up all winter.

2. Organize my STUFF-My apartment is in constant clutter-because it’s sooo teeny. I’m limited to my options for organization, but I’ve got a couple ideas up my sleevies to reduce the clutter and make it prettier. I’ll let you know how it goes!

3. Create a home-schedule. Nothing major, but just taking time to write down when I plan to do chores, and make sure there’s time for the gym and having fun! It’s hard to remember the last time I vacuumed, to keep up with my own laundry, and general mess-making. I feel like all I do is work, housework, working out. All those things have “work”  involved. More time for fun please!

That’s it! That’s my big list. Not bad, right? You may be thinking “Oooooh, maybe I’m going to make a list now!”

As far as my previous list from Fortune Cookies, I am VERY happy to tell you that I have been practicing each item on that list and am getting better at following my own heart with confidence. I’ve had a few setback days here and there but I feel like I’m getting there.